I grew up thinking I was hypersexual. I started having thoughts of intimacy at a really young age. Not sex but probably kissing. I don't think I knew what sex was until I was in SS2 or maybe after secondary school. I discovered masturbation in SS2 and one of the things I learned from it was that it made me feel sleepy. It's probably the most effective tool at getting me to fall asleep and way way stronger than sleep meds are for me.
I still felt a bit of the same in uni. I didn't explore though since I was way more religious back then. I didn't make advances towards anyone and tried to mostly focus on school and religious work.
After uni, I still constantly had thoughts of sex, but I never really initiated anything. There was a period on tinder where I largely matched with sex workers and I would talk with them, and find out how much they charged, but I never followed through with any of them. Had one that offered to teach me how to have sex but turned her down.
I eventually did date someone that I had sex with and I remember going home and wondering if that was all there was to it. Not sure if I was anxious about the experience but I didn't feel any kind of pleasure from it. Months after it, I largely flirted with a couple of people online, but never proceeded to having physical contact. I enjoyed the anticipation and I was I was okay with it never actually getting to sex. It was thrilling for me.
With my next partner the following year, I realised that I liked to focus on the other person during sex and finding out everything they enjoyed doing and then doing them. I started to get more pleasure from it. At that point, I still didn't get enough pleasure from it. Same thing with my next partner in 2022.
I started learning about asexuality in 2022 and I could relate to some aspects of it, like having a lot of sexual thoughts but not enjoying it, enjoying kissing and foreplay more than sex itself. I liked the thoughts if sex way more than the act itself. Came across an IG post that split asexuality into four quadrants - sex repulsed, sex averse, sex indifferent, and sex favourable. I'm more likely somewhere between indifferent and favourable since I will seek out sex sometimes, even if I don't derive pleasure from it.
Suppression
I've always suppressed my sexual desires. It's a multifold issue, the first stemming from growing up religious and thinking that sex before getting married was a bad thing. Once I got past that phase, I started suppressing it because I felt having sexual desire while not getting any pleasure from it was a bad thing. I would crave it and then do everything that I could to suppress it until it went - going walking, distracting myself or just masturbating. There was also the part where I felt having sex outside of the confines of a relationship was a bad thing and as long as I was single, I didn't pursue it. That only started to change in 2023.
Path Forward
Whenever someone asks me what I like with regards to sex, I always say that I don't know and that I prefer to focus on the other person. I made a promise to find out the things that I like so I'd start exploring more and find out what sexual activities that I like. I know the kind of porn that I like so I'd watch more of them, and I'd also try to find out what gives me pleasure when it comes to sex instead of just assuming that I'd never get pleasure from it.
