Letter to my alternate self

Dude, it’s been ages. Loved your reply by the way. Glad to hear you and Monique have started down that long path. I’ve got to say, if she eventually gives birth to a mini-you, name him after me, will you? I mean, I will eventually name mini-me after me as well. Broke up with Alice (Remember she-who-must-not-be named? Finally named her)some months back, and it was excruciating. Like, I could barely eat while I recovered from it. I reverted to my ‘sweets for breakfast and popcorn for lunch’ diet for days, and I wouldn’t even feel hungry, well, at least, till my ulcer came calling. Damn, do I miss her, but the breakup came all so suddenly. I just didn’t expect it. Well, I guess I should say I did, considering it all seemed to start when I didn’t get her a cat on her birthday. She had hinted at it openly though, using pictures of cats as her wallpaper, wear cat styled necklaces, making sure I saw her seeing a documentary of cats on her laptop. I was supposed to have taken the hint, but apparently, I just felt she was going through the cat obsession phase (girls go through this phase, right?), and went ahead to get her a lovely necklace, at least I thought it was. I suck at getting gifts, and you know it, but always thought girls loved jewelry, so I wouldn’t say it was exactly my fault. She sulked for a while (a whole month), and eventually forgave me. It went on smoothly for a while (a few days), till I went and broke one of our sacred rules. I went ahead and squeezed her hands. I mean, I did it in a euphoric state, without meaning it, but she thought I did it on purpose. Did everything I could to appease her. Bought her a lot of chocolate, bought a few more necklaces, composed some awesome poems (some of my best work, honestly), and sent her way. But she wouldn’t talk to me for a while. She eventually forgave me. You could tell at this point that things were already shaky. And it all started because I didn’t pick a hint when I shoulda. Anyways, we got through that, till something else happened. I don’t want to talk about it (*Makes me teary, like really teary. Crying now*). But I’ll just let you know, that we both went down fighting. *crying*

Think I should get myself one of these now. *tears*

Something’s come up recently, and it’s mind-blowing, like HELE (Human Extinction Level Event)mind — blowing. I’ve stopped squeezing girls hands. Maybe, not really stopped. But it’s gradually stopping, and it’s driving me crazy. Like, I used to be the boss at this, heck, I had people trained in the wonderful art, only to have the urge gradually decline. A lot of girls claim to be happy when I don’t do it to them, shocked actually, but I know deep down, that they miss it, they miss one of the most affectionate ways of showing care. Help a brother out here. What do I have to do to get back that spark? I know Monique will want to strangle the life out of you, if she finds out that you’re trying to help me out in this. Heck, she nearly killed me the second time I tried it on her. *shudders* *shudders again*. Beautiful as she is, she’s just too scary. Good luck in marriage bro, you’ll need it. You’ll probably be too scared to cheat on her. She looks like the kind of person that would make you disappear off the face of the earth and still come off as the sweet innocent victim. Good luck again. Back to business, I need to get back my hand squeezing charm as soon as possible, maybe make it look more romantic, and sway more girls with the sheer beauty of it. For the time being, I’ll be drowning my sorrows in ice cream.

Ice cream helps. Try it

Let’s talk about crushes for a while. Took me a while to get over Alice, and when I did, I started having a couple new others, started talking to them as well. After a while, I’d gotten close to one, but I couldn’t get things going in the direction I’d have wanted it to. Was I afraid she wouldn’t feel the void that was created in my heart when Alice left (the black hole — ish one)? No, she was pretty special in her own way. Ate weirdly like I did too. I mean, you just don’t find girls like that anywhere. Girls willing to have popcorn for lunch because they like it, and not because they’re watching their weights. You know what I’m saying. Missed having you around cause of the pointers you’d give. My best friend bailed me out, and helped with some killer advice eventually. I’m yet to try them out though. Who knows, maybe things will go well, and she’ll get to be Mrs Me, and we’ll have a couple of mini — mes’ going forward. Would be good times, and more good if they’re as weird as we are. Just think about it, littler versions of us wrecking havoc on the entire world. Brilliant, just brilliant.

Anyways, it’s annoying that they still haven’t fixed that inter — dimensional portal yet. It’s been pretty boring without you. The good thing is that I don’t get to have Monique’s icy eyes staring me down, every time we come back from having fun. Those eyes just scream “Stupefy” in all wizarding glory. Give her a wand, and I bet she’d use ‘Sectumsempra’ on me, and not ‘avada kedavra’, nope, she’d want me to suffer slowly. Sorry, I meant, bleed out slowly. She could use ‘Crucio’, but there wouldn’t be much blood flowing around. Say hi to her for me. Hopefully, marriage will change her. Who am I kidding. Good luck bro. Try not to do anything that would make her send you across the portal in a body-bag. Stay safe bro. Hopefully, the portal will be fixed soon, and we’ll get to wreak havoc on them beaches again. Oh, and make sure you read this when you’re not around her. Ciao.