Letter to my alternate self

Hey Kachi,

How's life on earth 2? Last time we talked, you lot had figured out the secrets to creating never ending yoghurts, without ever running out of resources. I wish we had something like that over here. I'd have all the yoghurt that I could eat without needing to spend a single naira. Here, we're stuck having the never ending debates about which is better, ice cream or yoghurt. I'd ride for yoghurts any time, any day but there are heathens here who think ice cream is better and here I thought i was the weird one.

I've had a bunch of girl drama lately that I thought I should update you on. Soooo, there was this girl I met with on a dating  platform at 1:53AM on Monday, who was asking to come over to my place on Monday night. In less than 24 hours, and we'd barely talked all day. One of my friends said that she probably wanted to kidnap me lol. Also ran into someone who was telling me that I had no reason not to go to church when armed robbers and native doctors went there, as if that's good advertisement for them.

I got new glasses recently, and it was the first time I remember a mistake being made with my prescription. I kept thinking that something was wrong and went in for a checkup. Turns out that my prescription hadn't really changed, but the lab tech that worked on them misaligned one of the lenses by a whole 85⁰. 85⁰. I used to get nauseated when I put them on. Maybe I'd have clocked it faster if I got headaches, but noooo, the headaches decided that they wanted to go on vacation. My optometrist, sweet little lady, said they'd fix them at no extra cost to me.

I had friends over on Thursday, one old and one potentially new. We spent time playing monopoly and the competitive part of me showed up midway through the game. I tend to take games seriously. I once played tabletop soccer with a kid who wasn't probably up to 7 years old and played him like I would play a pro. My ideology is that when you play people, even babies, seriously,  they feel more joyful when they have an upper hand. So, I play to crush babies, I mean to win. It builds character, lots of it. I did come put on top by acting like a capitalist and my friends conceded, when they had to be paying me £890 for rent.

I haven't really flirted with people lately. I mean, I did with one for a bit in our February (your March). It didn't end up well in the end. But I've missed casually flirting and not having it lead anywhere. It used to be pretty fun. I've not also written a sensual poem since 2020 I think. I should have sent it to you but I didn't want women fawning over you, thinking that you wrote it (I mean, you're me and you also write, but I'm better). Yes, I'm petty.

Oh, I tried out a blood sausage in January. It's one of the best dishes that I've had in a long while. It made the other sausages that I had together with it taste inferior. Like they were impostors trying to stand up to the true king. Finding out that it was made from actual blood did not deter me, and I look forward to eating it again. Someone called me a vampire, and considering that I have Delayed Phase Sleeping Disorder, it probably tracks.

It's been fun sharing all of these with you, and I do wish you'd send a letter sometimes. It's not like your universe got wiped out by a singularity, like Universe-432. I still believe that they got wiped out because they didn't have a Kachi like us in them. I digress. But I do want you to send a letter, preferable one with the blueprints for the infinite yoghurt machine.

Sincerely,

Kachi Prime (the best in the multiverse)