In love I Guess

There's this girl I had a huge crush a while back. She's brilliant and cool, pretty, sassy and fun. I usually admired her from afar since I felt I wouldn't particularly be her type. I had lots of conversations with her in my head, the kinds where I'd really get to know her but every time I saw her, my heart stopped beating and I could not for the life of me get a single word out of my mouth. I mean, I'd want to just go all out and let her know how I feel even if she didn't acknowledge it or stabbed me through the heart with a foot long dagger.  Think I'd have take the dagger though since it offered a quick and less painless end.

I'd lost all hope of ever getting close to her up until around a year back when we bantered playfully on a Slack thread. I'd said something that I thought had offended her and after a lot of retrospecting, I went into her DM to apologise to her and she didn't think I'd done anything wrong. Leave it to me to always go over the top when I worry about issues. Anyways, we continued to talk a bit, about my being weird and all and we kinda hit it off a bit. She'd remarked at some point that I had the face of a serial killer and I wondered if this was what drove people away, but the serial killer face did have it's uses so I wasn't sure whether to drop it or not.

We went out for lunch a couple of weeks after and damn, she looked fine, I mean like beautiful in a way that would make Aphrodite jealous (I say this carefully since I do not want to upset the all beautiful Goddess). And when she smiled at me, it felt like I'd been transported to a magical place where only happiness existed. We spent time getting to know each other better since there was only so much we could do on Slack. We shared a number of interests and looked like we'd be compatible in the long run. She thought it would take some getting used to me being atheist but it didn't really faze me since there weren't a lot of people like me around. She also wasn't a big fan of anime but if she was, I think I'd have gone to jump off some tall building just to see if I'd wake up from whatever dream state I'd found myself in since that would have been a bit too perfect.

So we were officially a couple the week after, and I wondered how I'd go about breaking the news to HR since we had this policy where we had to disclose all relationships between employees. I have to admit that my anxiety skyrocketed thinking about what would happen if they didn't agree to the relationship. I mean, we could continue with it and keep it under the radar but I felt it wouldn't have been for the best, having to always hide how we really felt when we were near each other. We gave it a couple of days for me to calm down and proceeded to schedule a meeting with the HR team. The meeting was a bit surreal as the only thing I could see registered on the representative was pure shock. Like how could a complete weirdo like Kachi be with this kind of girl? Like, what charm did he use on her? I could have sworn that she was trying to ask Raven if I had any incriminating material on her that made her get into a relationship with me. We laughed about it afterwards though I understood why she would feel that way as I asked myself the same thing everyday. Felt I didn't deserve someone like her.

Oh, guess I've kinda lied to a number of people about this next part and I apologise for having led you on but I got my first kiss from her about a week after making it official. Know I've told a lot of people that I hadn't but we mostly maintained a boring kinda relationship up front so people who saw us together wouldn't really assume much. The entire process leading up to the kiss was pretty weird since I hadn't done so in the past and she had a blast making fun of me regarding it. Couldn't get angry at the jokes because of how cute she was and how adorable they actually sounded but she was pretty much supportive and encouraged me to push past my boundaries. Felt surreal in the end and she's the only person I'd ever kissed and hoping I wouldn't have to do it with another.

Fast forward a couple of months and I'm having dinner with her and while I'm getting lost in her smile, I find myself contemplating marriage. I mean, I'm not particularly big on marriage which I'd mentioned to her earlier but it didn't really seem like such a bad idea. I'd just pushed to advance up a level at work so I could have more money to support a family if I needed to. We have a brief discussion about it and decide that it's too early to focus on one now. I'm pretty much okay with that and content with just being with her and breathing the same air as she does. I was able to nudge her into liking cats though since I'd been planning to get one and she'd probably be spending more time at my place in the future. Wouldn't really make sense for me to get one and have her feel uncomfortable when she came around. Showing her lots of adorable cat videos seemed to have done the trick.

I kinda allowed self doubt creep in a lot over the next few months and I always wondered if I deserved her. She put up with a lot of the weird things about me and every time I asked, she always said that she was okay with them and wouldn't want me to change just because of her. This should have been fine, but when you've been dealing with anxiety and depression, it's not always as clear cut as it seems. There were a number of times when I felt I should break up with her and just let her find someone better but I never carried through with it during my really bad episodes. The thoughts still linger though and I wonder if I'd eventually do. Nevertheless, I kinda wanted to write this just to let people know about this girl who I've come to love so much over the past year. I know she'd eventually read this, so I want to let you know just how beautiful you are, my one and only Raven (name changed for privacy reasons).

If I haven't told you about her, I offer my deepest apologies. I could also hold  whipping sessions where people close to me get to whip me for free just to make up for this. Helps that I have a high pain threshold but I wonder how much pain I'd be able to handle during those sessions. Know best friend would be shellshocked reading this and I'd probably go hide in a bunker somewhere till her rage passes (P.S: Please send flowers and chocolate). Anyways, thanks for reading this. Hope the Goddess Nyx smiles upon you.