3 min read

Old Chasms

Old Chasms

Hey Roo, how've you been,

Thought I'd check in on you since it's been ages I did,

Not sure if you'd be thrilled to hear from me, not sure you'd be happy I did

But I wouldn't go around blaming you after everything I did,

I remember back in school when I used to squeeze your hands every time we met,

I used to think seeing you in pain was fun cos I didn't know what else to do,

Did it for a lot of girls too, never really listening to their cries or pleading,

Thought they also saw the fun in it, thought their eyes encouraged me to,

But I eventually realized how wrong it was and how I let the power I had roam free,

Guess it was seeing you cry that started it, tears that made me reflect deeply,

Took a while to stop but I eventually did, but I'd hurt a lot of people along the way,

And I wonder if they'd ever forgive,

If they don't, I'd be fine with it, and if you decide to do also, I won't hold it against you,

Wish I'd learned what I have now back when I was in school, maybe I'd have made more friends who I didn't really scare like I did

Hey Mai, doubt you'd would want to hear from me even though I over assume things at time,

Heard you got married a while back, and I hope it's working out fine for you,

Was thinking back on the time when I learnt what your middle name was,

And how endearing I thought it was, and how I decided it would be what I'd address you with,

Deciding to neglect the fact that you'd mentioned you didn't like it, I'd thought if I used it enough, you'd come around to it,

Blinded by the fact that it was pushing us apart, I forged on,

Till we'd been separated by a chasm so wide, it didn't seem I'd ever be able to cross over to where you were,

Learnt along the way to respect people's wishes regarding what they wanted to be addressed by,

Wish I'd learnt that when we were still close, maybe we'd have gotten close but now we never will,

But it's something I intend to practice going forward, and hope I don't push them as far away as I did with you

Hey April, been ages since we talked, what's it been, 1o, 11 years,

Really hard to say since you cut off all comms with me, so doubt you'd ever get to read this,

But maybe someone like you would, so it's worth a shot,

Remember that phase of my life where I just greeted people with `morning`, `afternoon` and `evening`,

And how you didn't like it, and how I gave zero fucks because that's how I wanted to greet people with then,

Didn't see that it's creating a barrier between us, one I wouldn't be able to get over after a while,

Didn't seem like something that should have pushed us apart, but realized I hadn't cared about how you felt about it,

I'd prioritized my feelings over yours, and it come between us in ways I never imagined it would

I could have accommodated you and it wouldn't have taken anything from me,

But I'd decided not to, and you correctly shut me out of your life,

For which I do not blame you, I just wished I'd done better

Lots of people I've hurt in the past without knowing, lots of people I've pushed away from me,

Didn't really know better then, didn't really know how to interact with people,

Not much of an excuse and guess I should have worked on my people skills better,

Learnt a lot along the way, things that I wish I'd learned in the past,

Might not be perfect then, but I'd try to keep getting better,

Looking back on it and in some cases I abused power dynamics I didn't know existed,

When I was squeezing hands and girls couldn't fight back because they perceived I was stronger,

To me then, it was just a game to play and to them I guess it was some form of torture I was blind to,

When I was bypassing people's wishes on what they wanted to be addressed with, didn't realize I was put my feelings ahead of them,

I'd been selfish and wish I'd thought differently then,

Not like it would kill me to accommodate their wishes, not like my world would abruptly if I did,

Hope I eventually get better at treating people well, hope I stop hurting them with my actions,

Hope I learn to respect their wishes and not push them away without knowing,

If I've ever hurt you, this is me saying sorry,

Not sure it's enough so I'd always keep apologizing

(Real names not used)